


with everything the way it is

by camarauderie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Aromantic Peter, Asexual Peter, Internal acephobia, M/M, Trans Remus, angsty but happy ending!!, asexual sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-09 10:29:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6902209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camarauderie/pseuds/camarauderie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>remus says it'd be better to stay friends. sirius knows why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	with everything the way it is

**Author's Note:**

> this is the fic where no one has a job or anything to do on a day-to-day basis except peter, and that is obviously something i've planned and not at all something that happened just because it was convenient :)))
> 
> huge mega ultra super adverbial thankyou to [acelupin](http://acelupin.tumblr.com) for the help with this fic, without her it would be so much worse! also her blog is amazing so i'd encourage you to go check it out!

Hovering in the doorway of their bathroom, Sirius watched Remus apply a bunch of shaving cream to his face. It was understandable that he wanted rid of the scruff, of course, although Sirius did enjoy the patches of facial hair he’d started to grow. One day maybe he’d be convinced to grow a full beard. But later on, when the hair growth wasn’t so random.  
  
Razor in hand, Remus looked up at Sirius through the mirror. “Did you want anything, Pads?”  
  
”Er, right. Can we get home early-ish by any chance?” he asked.  
  
”I suppose. Why?”  
  
”I don’t feel like getting hit on tonight.”  
  
Remus chuckled. ”I never know whether or not I should be jealous that you know that’s going to happen in advance. But yeah, we can if you want. And I’ll protect you from any other unwanted advances. I’m almost your boyfriend as it is - I won’t exactly have to do much extra work.”  
  
Sirius huffed something that came kind of close to a laugh, or snort. “Yeah, I guess.” There had been numerous instances of people mistaking them for a couple, and every time Sirius felt like there was a chance. It did the opposite when Remus said it like that.  
  
“It’s not like I haven’t thought about going for it, you know,” Remus continued, and Sirius frowned.  
  
“But with everything the way it is, I don’t think I’d want to mess up our friendship.” He turned the tap on and rinsed his face of leftover cream. Sirius didn’t tell him he missed a spot below his ear.  
  
“I know what you’re saying,” Sirius said instead. In fact, he did not. He didn’t even know where he’d pulled that line from. He kept staring at the spot of shaving cream. “We’ve been friends for so long, and like you said, we’re close to it already, aren’t we? Best to not change anything.”  
  
He turned away now, and let himself ponder over what the _fuck_ had just been said. Had Remus, for real, considered the idea of, of what? Dating? Being… being a couple? And then _decided against it_? With everything the way it is. Well. It wasn’t very difficult figuring out what that meant.  
  
  
With the party at Benjy’s place underway, Sirius’ very much fake almost boyfriend had abandoned him and he had been subjected to - so far - two tries at very indiscreet flirting. He was used to it, in a way, but it only made him feel wrong. He didn’t want what they offered, and if they’d known better, they wouldn’t want him either.  
  
Remus, however, seemed to have found someone that he wanted. He was sitting on the couch in the living room with a girl. She was wearing such a cute dress and high heels and was very pretty and looked so happy in Remus’ presence and with everything the way it was, did she meet Remus standards?  
  
Sirius would’ve tried to find Peter, he would’ve understood. But he wasn’t here since he had the night shift at the restaurant. Not his fault, of course, but where was Sirius supposed to go with his ace problems now? For a moment Sirius considered slipping out of this place and going to the restaurant instead. That place had pizza, and Peter. Less horny people, hopefully.  
  
But as much as he wanted to flee, he needed to see what happened between Remus and the girl. Would she be coming home with them? Would Remus be coming home at all? And if he was going to pull through, he’d need to fill his cup again.  
  
  
Come midnight, Sirius was huddled together with Lily, Frank and Dorcas on the floor of the kitchen.  
  
He was in a significantly better mood now and never wanted to leave and he’d also found a bowl of crisps, which wasn’t exactly pizza but they were okay still.  
  
“So this is potato,” Dorcas was explaining and showed the sign to them, but it was hard to tell the movements when she had that beer bottle in one of her hands. She looked like she knew what she was doing, though - as you would after several lessons in BSL.  
  
”Wouldn’t it be great with chips right now?” Lily asked. ”I’d kill for some chips.”  
  
”These are barbeque if you want,” Sirius offered and handed over his crisp bowl. She didn’t look too pleased but chomped down some anyway.  
  
The song changed, and so did Lily’s mood. Gone were the snacks, instead she looked over with bright eyes and dragged him to his feet. Together they sang (along with the rest of the room, mind) You Raise Me Up. The other guests that actually knew how to sing (Marlene, for one) looked uncomfortable which only led to Lily raising her volume, and Sirius joined her happily.  
  
“If James were here,” she said as they sat down again, “he’d have cried. He’s such a sap.”  
  
“James,” Sirius laughed, “could’ve cried to Hollaback girl if he was in the mood.”  
  
“Hey guys,” Frank suddenly whispered, waving his arm and sloshing Benjy’s homemade sangria all over. “I’m going to ask Alice to marry me.”  
  
Everyone collectively gasped, Lily and Dorcas both leant forward to hug him and showered him with congratulations and well wishes but Sirius could barely manage a smile. He was suddenly hollow and empty where he’d just moments ago been happy and full of song.  
  
It dawned on him that he would probably never get that. Marriage. With anyone (and definitely not with Remus). Not that he actually wanted to get married, the church and all that bollocks was really not his thing, but even if he _did_ want it, no one would want to do it with him.  
  
“Shit, congratulations, mate. I bet she’ll say yes,” he croaked out. Wasn’t it early to get married at 21, though?  
  
Lily started asking when? And where? And how? Which was honestly Sirius’ cue to relocate because most of the time he could deal with this sort of conversation but not today. Tonight. Whatever.  
  
And then Remus found him, and it was like another wound in Sirius’ bruised heart. At least he came alone, the girl was nowhere to be seen.  
  
“I’ve been looking all over for you. Do you want to go home?” he asked.  
  
“Yeah, I think so.”  
  
  
  
Remus got him home, and all Sirius wanted to do was cry. He felt like a baby, and he hated that he loved when Remus took care of him, that he loved that Remus went home with him instead of that girl. And he was kind of drunk, so tears came easy for him, but he managed to control them until he was alone in his room.  
  
He didn’t mind being asexual; he was fine with it and felt good about the relationship he and Remus had. Usually.  
  
In fact Remus was absolutely correct, they were really close and the only thing missing according to Sirius’ crush was a definite label, that they were together. He wouldn’t mind more cuddling between them, but their current ratio was decent. Just having Remus as his _real_ boyfriend would’ve been the ideal situation…. except Remus didn’t think so.  
  
‘With everything the way it is’, Remus didn’t want to start a relationship. With Sirius the way he was.  
  
He tried to imagine having sex, if it would be doable with Remus, because it’d be _Remus_ and not some random dude who didn’t respect him. But in the end the thought only made him feel weird and more hollow and _worse_ because he couldn’t even think about having sex and that was why Remus didn’t want to be with him and that’s why no one would ever want to, and Sirius was sobbing freely into his pillow now, curled up on his side towards the wall.  
  
Then there was a knock. Sirius stiffened, clutching the pillow to his face to swallow whatever sounds he might make. And when he didn’t answer the knock, it came again.  
  
“Pads. What’s wrong?”  
  
Obvious as it was that he was in fact in his room Sirius still decided to pretend that he wasn’t, and as such kept silent.  
  
“Did I do something wrong? You’ve seemed… weird tonight.”  
  
Sirius clamped his mouth shut and willed his sobs away. Yes, he was weird, that was the entire point of his breakdown.  
  
“Sirius. If you don’t answer me, I’m going to come in. I’m worried.”  
  
“’m fine!”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yep!”  
  
Judging by the sigh Sirius could hear through the door Remus didn’t believe it.  
  
But he left.  
  
  
The following morning, when Sirius woke up with a headache, dry mouth, and eyes swollen and red from his crying he decided to fuck it and went out to the kitchen despite his appearance disaster.  
  
Remus was sat there with a cup of tea and a book, but he looked up as Sirius entered.  
  
“Morning,” he said.  
  
“Morning.”  
  
“Sleep alright?”  
  
“Yep. You?”  
  
“Yeah, alright.”  
  
Sirius went over to the kettle to pour himself a cup. From nowhere, it seemed, he raised a question. “So, who was the girl last night?”  
  
“Er… Mary MacDonald. A friend of Dorcas’.”  
  
“You two looked chummy.” He sat down with his steaming cup at the table, noticing the red blush across Remus’ cheeks.  
  
“She… she’s nice.”  
  
“Nice?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
  
The morning crept by slowly, and it was all horrible. Everything felt awkward and wrong and Sirius knew it was all his fault but he couldn’t stop thinking about the girl, fucking Mary, and how he hated her guts. On the other hand, he never stopped thinking of how Remus had given a romantic relationship with Sirius some real thought. It would have given him so much hope unless he knew that _with everything the way it is_ and with Mary on the side, that relationship was doomed.  
  
By lunchtime, Sirius made his escape.  
  
“Pete,” he whined as Peter opened his apartment door, hair on end, looking like someone who’d just gotten out of bed.  
  
“What’s wrong, Pads?”  
  
“I’m broken.”  
  
For a second, Peter just looked at him funny. Then it must’ve clicked, and he pulled Sirius in for a hug. He smelled like warmth and sweat, honestly, but he was soft and hugged so tight that Sirius felt safe enough to break down (again).  
  
“Shh, come on, let’s get inside.” Pete shut the door and led the way back to his bed where they sat down, Sirius leaning an embarrassing amount on him.  
  
“Okay, tell me what’s happened.”  
  
“Remus wants sex, and I can’t give him that,” he sniffled into Peter’s shoulder.  
  
“He told you this?”  
  
“Yes!”  
  
“Exactly that? It doesn’t sound much like Remus.”  
  
“Ugh, no, he’s too nice for that. He said that ‘with everything the way it is’, he wouldn’t want to be my boyfriend.”  
  
“That… Pads. That could literally mean anything.”  
  
“Right, like what?”  
  
“I don’t know! But it’s not like the Remus I know is a sex crazed fiend, is he? He knows our sexuality is valid.”  
  
“I don’t know, Pete… I really, really like him, and I keep thinking that he’s going to find someone and get together and get married and have sex and maybe babies and I’m going to stand by the side of it and fucking hate myself all my life.”  
  
Now Peter had the nerve to laugh. “Mate, I think you’re slightly overreacting. I know it sucks sometimes and it feels like sex is some kind of glue for any romantic relationship but that’s not the case. And despite whatever happens between you and Moony, I’m sure you’re going to find someone who loves you just the way you are.”  
  
“I want _him_ to do that.”  
  
“Doesn’t he already? Why else would he still hang out with you after all these years?”  
  
“Stop it. You know, _love me_ love me.”  
  
“Please, where’s the difference?”  
  
“There’s a difference! Only because you wouldn’t know!”  
  
Peter pulled back, carefully retreating his arms. “Sirius, I’d prefer if you didn’t say shit like that. I feel as broken as you do, you know.”  
  
Understanding his mistake immediately, Sirius shuffled closer to him. “I’m sorry, so sorry, shit. You know how I get, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to come here and insult you first thing, really.”  
  
He sighed, but loosened up. “Yeah, it’s fine. I suppose in ten years when James and Lily are married and have children and Remus is together with whoever possibly having a bunch of sex, you and I can always stay together. Have a pizza. Beer. Complain about their sex-driven relationships.”  
  
Sirius grinned. “Yeah, I’d like to be a mean old hag with you, Wormy. Plus, you always have food. Remus keeps eating all ours and never does the grocery shopping.”  
  
“What in all this did you take as an invitation to come _live with me_?”  
  
“How else are we going to complain 24/7? I need you with me around the clock for extra hagging points.”  
  
“You realize that if that were to happen I would clobber you every other hour. I cannot live with you again after seven years in school, mate. I’d grow to hate you.”  
  
“Hm. I guess the same goes for me. You snore an awful lot.”  
  
“Says you!”  
  
“I don’t snore!”  
  
“No, but do you talk. I’ve listened to at least half of your dreams and they are the most boring things, I mean… once you just kept talking about broccoli.”  
  
“Peter. What is your problem with broccoli? It’s never done you any harm.”  
  
“No, and I will keep it that way. Forever. Won’t go near it.”  
  
  
Later that afternoon when Sirius came home again, Remus was sat by his computer. He wasn’t typing or even looking at it though, his attention was completely taken up by his phone.  
Was he texting? More importantly, was he texting Mary MacDonald?  
  
Sirius didn’t even try to quench the jealous fire that just spontaneously erupted within him. There was no point. But while he didn’t want to stop himself from feeling things, he wanted to be the bigger man and not be so obvious to Remus about it – his questions about Mary from this morning had been nosy and embarrassing enough. So he went into his room and sat by his desk. Mobile games online always helped distract him, if he hadn’t been drunk last night he should’ve played then and kept himself from bawling his eyes out for hours.  
  
With his knees pulled up against his body and the chair rolled close to his desk, Sirius steered his troops into war.  
  
And it didn’t seem like much later (although when he looked at the time it turned out to have been an hour) when there was a knock on the door.  
  
“What is it?” Sirius asked.  
  
“Can I come in this time?” Remus asked, impatiently.  
  
“Sure.”  
  
He entered. Dressed in a grey cardigan and beige trousers and looking so swotty it was hurtful to Sirius’ already wounded heart.  
  
Taking a seat on Sirius’ bed, Remus sighed. “Something’s wrong. I don’t know what. I know you didn’t go to Prongs because he hasn’t seen you and Wormy’s not responding at all, so I’m at a loss.”  
  
Good on Pete, not giving away anything. Sirius was proud. He paused the game to swirl around in his chair, facing Remus. “Nothing’s wrong. I don’t really know what you’re on about.”  
  
“For fuck’s sake, Pads. I won’t pretend that I didn’t hear you crying until three bloody AM. Did something happen at the party? I know I kind of left you alone but it didn’t seem like anyone was bothering you.”  
  
Sirius couldn’t help but groan, rubbing one hand against his face. “No, no, nothing like that. Really, it was fine. I just. Frank’s asking Alice to marry him, and…”  
  
“Really? Fuck.”  
  
“Seems so.”  
  
“While I don’t see the appeal of having a bothersome ceremony and having to invite a bunch of people just to watch me decide to love a person for forever, I guess they do. Good for them.”  
  
Having lost himself somewhat in Remus’ sentence, Sirius only nodded, albeit hesitantly.  
  
“But what’s that got to do with…? Everything? The crying? Questioning me about Mary or whatever the fuck that was this morning?”  
  
“I guess I get jealous. Of people. Who have their… romantic lives figured out.” Sirius cringed a bit at this, saying it out loud to Remus made him feel so small.  
  
“Because…?”  
  
Sirius gave him a look.  
  
“What? I don’t get it. You of all people seem to have things figured out.”  
  
Lost for words, Sirius only spluttered something incoherent until he found the words again. “Where did you get that idea?”  
  
“Fuck. I don’t know. You’ve always been so sure of yourself, I mean. There’s never really been any doubt.“ Now Remus was blushing.  
  
“That doesn’t really help me much, does it? Usually other people seem to think sex is an important part of a relationship.”  
  
“Not. Not _everyone_.” Remus kept growing redder.  
  
And while Sirius appreciated the attempts at making his prospects seem positive, he didn’t take too well to that kind of cheering up right now. “Right. Call me when you find these people.”  
  
As of right now, anyone but Remus was less than 0% interesting, but there was no harm in pretending.  
  
“Fine.” Remus stalked off.  
  
  
If Sirius noticed Remus tapping away at his phone more than usual that night, he did not dwell on it. If he saw the name “Mary” light up Remus’ phone screen every day for the coming week, he did not care. He was absolutely fine with how things were progressing, and the fact that he had a sleepover with James for two nights and didn’t invite Remus along was entirely unrelated.  
  
Of course James knew better. And halfway through their second night, an hour into Jurassic Park, next to each other on the sofa as they were, he broached the subject.  
  
“I’m getting the vibe that you and Remus are having a fight.”  
  
“We’re not,” Sirius responded, not looking at him. Looking at the TV. Very interesting dinosaurs, there.  
  
“So why isn’t he here? Why’s it just you and me? You never go anywhere without him if you can manage.”  
  
It was so _James_ of him to ask that. And Sirius knew, bitterly, that he was also unlikely to let the subject go, because while he was kind of oblivious to most things, when James Potter figured out that something was wrong he would just never drop it.  
  
“We aren’t having a fight. Really. I’m just… avoiding him a bit.”  
  
“Why? Did he do something?”  
  
James loved Remus like a brother, that much was certain. But that tone of voice was evidence enough that he would not hesitate to punch Remus in the face if he’d done something wrong. On Sirius’ behalf, and that was touching.  
  
“He’s done nothing. Literally. He’s just getting on with that girl he met at Benjy’s party. Mary.” Sirius risked a glance up at James, and saw him confused.  
  
“MacDonald?”  
  
“Mm, that’s the one.”  
  
“Okay? That’s all?”  
  
“Yep. That’s it.”  
  
“I must be missing something, or you’re not telling me everything.” James pushed his glasses up his nose. “Come on. Spill.”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong, okay! Just, just let me watch this dumb film.”  
  
Now James grabbed Sirius’ head and turned it around so that their gazes locked, with James’ worried hazel eyes looking close to tearing up already. “What is going on, mate? You know it just gets worse when you shut people out.”  
  
Sirius was about to argue, but knew that James was thinking of when they were 16 and that had obviously been on a whole another level than this stupid crush thing with Remus… but fine. Whatever. Peter knew, why not James.  
  
“I want Remus to be my boyfriend.”  
  
And James, having held Sirius’ head during all this, finally let go. His eyes were big, surprised at first, then narrowed as he smiled. Deviously.  
  
“You’re saying… that you’re crushing on your best friend? Your very own roommate?”  
  
“Yes!” Sirius shouted and covered his face. “So much! It just keeps getting worse and I’m so _angry_ with him all the time!”  
  
James laughed, hugged Sirius’ waist, and wrestled them around so that they ended up lying face to face on the narrow couch. He still looked way too happy about all this.  
  
“So you’re jealous?” he asked. “Of MacDonald?”  
  
“Ugh. Yes. I hate her.”  
  
“Unfortunately, as far as I know she’s a stellar person. And probably a well good fit for Moony.”  
  
“Stop it! Aren’t you supposed to be on my-“  
  
“But,” James said, raising his voice above Sirius’. “She’s too gay for him.”  
  
Like a dark cloud had been nesting in his rib cage all this time, it cleared suddenly with these news. Remus wasn’t going to get together with Mary. While evidence pointed to the fact that Remus liked birds just as much as he did blokes, Mary… only went her own way. Did she? Wait.  
  
“How do you know?” he asked, accusingly.  
  
“I follow her on tumblr. It’s a love fest for women on there, is all I’m saying. I’ll show you.”  
  
  
“Honey, I’m home!” Sirius called when he entered the flat.  
  
It smelled weird, though, and he lost some of his momentum. Remus didn’t answer his greeting either, but the door had been unlocked which meant he was home.  
  
Sirius went further inside, kicking his shoes off as he went. Their living room was deserted but it smelled more in there, like dirt. Actual dirt, like… Looking around, he noted the lack of plants in their windows. It could only mean that a) someone had stolen them, or b) Remus was repotting the shit out of everything. Like he usually did when he was stressed out, or generally in a bad place. There’d been a bunch of planting of flowers back when they were 16.  
  
Hurrying into the kitchen, Sirius was met with a sight he’d almost expected: dirt everywhere. Some broken pots, some not, the counter peppered with their abundance of plants, and a Remus. In a dirty jumper, a pot in front of him on the counter, looking stiff as a board. Headphones blasting Taylor Swift so loud Sirius heard it from the doorway.  
  
Trying to make himself heard was a no-go, so Sirius went up to him and gently touched his shoulder. Remus flinched and sprayed more dirt over himself and then they stood there for a second or two until he took the headphones off.  
  
Taylor was still shouting.  
  
“I said hi earlier. You didn’t hear me,” Sirius said.  
  
“Hi,” Remus answered.  
  
“Hi.”  
  
A silence stretched between them. Taylor’s singing finished before Remus moved, his eyes had been locked with Sirius’ the entire time. When he turned them away, it was towards the living room, an escape.  
  
But whatever had brought the repotting on, Sirius wasn’t going to let it just fly by – he reached out and grabbed Remus’ jumper and pulled his attention back.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Sirius asked.  
  
The jumper was ripped out of his reach and the headphones were taken off in a hurry and Remus just wasn’t _saying anything_. Taylor, who’d started on another song, was cut off now.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Sirius repeated, because he didn’t know what else to say.  
  
“Will you stop?” Remus asked, finally, and he sounded so broken and angry Sirius did back off as a response. “I’m sick of this, of you acting like nothing’s wrong when I’ve obviously done something to upset you. Are you tired of me? Should I move out? I won’t bloody know if you don’t tell me!” He aimed a kick for one of the already broken pots, and it broke further.  
  
Not knowing whether touch would be allowed in this situation, Sirius just held his own hands. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ll tell you. Maybe we should just… not in here?”  
  
“Yes, in here. What the fuck is the problem?”  
  
Speed was the key to getting it all out. “It’s really stupid. I was jealous of you and Mary.”  
  
Remus stilled. He slowly turned to the counter and put his hands down, leaning on it. “Wow. I don’t even know what to say.”  
  
Feeling flushed, Sirius kept going. “Because I thought you fancied her. Then James told me she doesn’t go for blokes anyway, but I didn’t know that before.”  
  
“So what you’re saying is…” Remus had turned back with raised eyebrows, questioning him.  
  
This needed to be the quickest. “I fancy you, and I didn’t want you to have anyone else. Despite what you said about us not working out.”  
  
Again came the silence. Remus kept staring at him and he didn’t know what to do with himself, so he just kept talking.  
  
“I tried to not care because I wanted you to, you know, do what you want. Be with whoever. It was hard, and I sucked at it. Not caring, I mean.”  
  
“Holy shit,” Remus whispered. “All of this because I told you that we shouldn’t risk our friendship? That day with the party?”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“Wow. Fuck. Wow. That. Was dumb of me.”  
  
“No! This isn’t your fault. It’s mine, I don’t know how to deal with this kind of stuff. It’ll get better eventually.” He didn’t know that, exactly, but supposed it had to be true.  
  
“No, no. Okay. Listen, everything I said that day was fucked up. I wanted to tell you I’ve really thought about it and I wanted to leave it open and see your response, but you looked like you didn’t approve and I freaked out. And that’s why I said it was a bad idea.” Remus bit his lip and was determinedly looking away now.  
  
“Say that in a way that I can understand. What do you mean leave it open?”  
  
A strained sound came from Remus, and he was growing ever redder in the face. “That I fancy you too, maybe? And somehow I thought putting the idea in your head that way would be smart.”  
  
“Oh my god.” Sirius’ face was heating up but so was his body. Had they reached some sort of agreement here, in this war zone of dirt and pansies and cacti, that they both wanted the same thing?  
  
“I need to change,” Remus said, and the mood died instantly.  
  
“What?” Sirius cried. They were getting somewhere! Somewhere good!  
  
“I want to talk about this in clothes not covered in soil, okay? Let’s just pause for a second.”  
  
“No!” He rushed to the doorway and tried his best to block it, but it was not a normal sized doorway and Sirius was kind of small so he couldn’t quite reach across.  
  
Remus stopped anyway, so mission accomplished.  
  
“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Sirius asked.  
  
“Yes,” Remus answered.  
  
“Without the sex?”  
  
“Yes? Of course?”  
  
“Oh.” Well. Sirius hadn’t really thought that question would go by so simply. In his imagination they’d talked things through before Remus was convinced, this was not in any way like that.  
  
“Sirius. I don’t know what you think about me, but I’m not really that comfortable with sex either.” Remus looked pained. “My, er, parts make it hard for me. I have to go to such lengths to find someone I trust, and even then...”  
  
And it was like a light bulb went off in his head. Of course. That made so much sense, and how hadn’t he ever thought that Remus couldn’t feel dysphoria in a sexual situation? That was ignorant. That was stupid. He’d only been thinking of himself, as usual, and his own troubles, and all this time Remus was having a hard time too. Of course.  
  
“Oh,” he said again. “Well.”  
  
“Yeah. Are we… okay?” Remus asked. He had at some point gone less red but it was blooming again.  
  
“Are we boyfriends?” Sirius countered.  
  
“I guess.”  
  
Sirius grinned, feeling equally as flushed now. “I quite like that.”  
  
Despite the dirt that had been complained about just recently, Remus stepped forward and pulled Sirius in for a hug, and it wasn’t so bad. It smelled nice, and the hug was warm and Sirius had the opportunity to really shove his face in Remus’ shoulder which was delightful, honestly.  
  
He squirmed thinking about kissing. In fact so much that Remus pulled back, and that was when Sirius reached up for his once again slightly stubbly face and banged their lips together.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! give kudos, write me a comment, i'd like both preferrably haha  
> or just come hang out w me at my tumblr: [coolpuppymoon](http://coolpuppymoon.tumblr.com) :D
> 
> but now i feel the time has come for some shameless rambling:
> 
> 1\. i've based this whole fic largely on myself when it comes to being ace, and it's not like that's the only way of it. if you don't recognize yourself in this it's not like this is the 'correct' way of being ace? i hope no one thinks that but just in case!!
> 
> 2\. i'm cis. while the trans parts of this fic are small, feel free to comment on them if i've fucked it up. and also, i made remus like, a few months into having started T. that's just because I saw a video with a trans man who said his beard had started growing in patches that made his face look dirty. then cue me, thinking: that would be so funny on remus, and here we are
> 
> 3\. i have a feeling that sirius would play the shit out of that mobile war game arnold swarzenegger keeps promoting, just saying
> 
> 4\. i almost wanted to put a swear word in every single one of remus' sentences, but i held back :/
> 
> 5\. in hindsight, i feel bad about using mary as a plot device for sirius' jealousy or whatever. when i was writing it i didnt think much of it but right now i'm like :///. i love remus and mary as bros though so maybe next time i'll actually give that more room?
> 
> anyway, thank you again if you've read all the way here! but then again, i doubt anyone who hated this would've kept reading this  
> far? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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